Packing a Wee Bag for the Apocalypse
So, I was reading about "climate migration" the other day. That’s the posh, corporate term for when your house becomes an underwater aquarium or a literal frying pan, and you’ve to pack your shite and move to Glasgow. The experts call them "environmental refugees" because "homeless bastards through no fault of their own" doesn't look good on a UN brochure. But let’s be perfectly honest here. It’s coming, it’s massive, and we’re completely fucked.
Look at Jakarta. They’re literally moving the entire capital city because the current one is sinking into the sea like a dropped biscuit. Imagine that. You can’t find your car keys, and the government can’t find the capital. Or look at the Central American Dry Corridor. Farmers can’t grow a single potato because the soil looks like old biscuits. So, what do they do? They walk. They move. Obviously. If your house is on fire, you don’t sit in the kitchen complaining about the draft. You get the fuck out.
But here is the hilarious part. The absolute eejits running Western countries think they can stop this with big walls and angry paperwork. They’re arguing about passports while half the planet is turning into a microwave. You can’t deport a rising tide, you absolute shitesacks. When Bangladesh goes entirely underwater, those millions of people aren't going to sit there and grow gills. They’re coming north. They’re coming to places where it only rains sideways, like here.
We’ve this mental idea that borders are real. They’re just lines some dead blokes drew on a map after a few pints. Try telling a wildfire it needs a visa. Try telling a hurricane it doesn’t have the right points-based immigration score. It’s pure pish.
The reality is we’re going to be sharing our space very soon. The bloke next door won't be from Edinburgh; he’ll be from an island that doesn’t exist anymore. And the irony is beautiful. The rich nations caused the pollution, and now they’re shocked that the victims want to move into the garden. It’s like shitting on someone's carpet and getting angry when they come inside to use your toilet.
We need to stop whining and start building bigger tables. Because the wave is coming, it’s wet, it’s angry, and it doesn’t care about your border control.